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Some of you may be familiar with the works of Mikhail Baryshnikov, considered by almost everyone to be Russia’s greatest dancer:

And some of you may be familiar with the work of Fred Astaire, whom many people consider America’s (or at the very least, Nebraska’s) greatest dancer:

But I’m betting that you are NOT familiar with Arkansas’ greatest dancer. And just to prove he’s not a one-trick pony like Baryshnikov and Astaire, he’s also currently serving as Arkansas’ Poet Laureate, Chairman Emeritus of the Arkansas General Assembly, and Grand Wizard of the Little Rock Chapter of the Office of Dental Assistance.

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…

The Right Honourable Bubba Hogg. Hit it, Bubba!

I wish I could have seen the band leader frantically making the “OKAY… LET’S WRAP THIS UP” motion as soon as he started flossing with that flannel.

Many thanks to loyal reader and RFS Midwestern Bureau Chief Brett “Shooter” McGillicuddy*** for bringing this important story to our attention.

One last thing - just in case you ignored the Baryshnikov and Astaire clips, give them a try. I actually tried to pick the shortest ones, and they genuinely are amazing. At the very least, watch a 10 second clip of each before watching Bubba. It’s pretty jarring, isn’t it? Almost like random Phyllis Diller photo insertions in Playboy.

As always, comments, suggestions, and questions can be submitted to aaron@rumblinfumblinstumblin.com (give me a heads up if you send one so I can be sure to check the mailbox).

Peace and Chicken Grease,

RFS

*** - Note - In case you didn’t read RFS Shout-Out #1, all friends, readers, and employees of RFS have the same fictional last name.

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If you’ve seen A Bronx Tale, you probably know who Eddie Mush is. And if you know who Eddie Mush is, you know the story of him betting on a horse called Kryptonite.

I’m not going to explain it here, but suffice it to say that RFS should have been put in da bat-troom with Eddie Mush, JoJo the Whale, and Frankie Coffeecake for the Pickstravaganza performance yesterday. If you liked the movie, enjoy the clip (I couldn’t find one of Eddie Mush at the track).

Anyway - win some, lose some. It’s all a crapshoot against the spread anyway, and as I’ve said before… the spread has no friends.

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Cumulative Prognostication Record: 38-30-4 (56%)

Cumulative Prognostication Net Units: +3
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WHAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL:

Pitt was overrated at #2; maybe Aaron Gray should have stayed home with the flu. I respect Wiscy (Missouri State fans should be extremely happy with Wiscy over Pitt) more than I did a week ago.

Very very very nice wins for Bradley and Drake (and by extension the Valley) against Iowa State and Iowa this weekend, even though Iowa State and Iowa are horrrrrrrrible this year. It’s gotta be nice for Dr. Tom to stick it to the Hawkeyes.

Very very very disappointing losses for Northern Iowa and Creighton. Particularly Creighton, who got owned on the road at Fresno State. The Jays might have painted themselves into a corner with their non-con record.

Zaga mystified me. What happened to the guys that played against Texas and Washington? Somebody put Derek Raivio’s picture on a milk carton.

Missouri State is ready to make some noise - a 20 point win at home against a feisty Indy State squad. Bring on the Valley regular season.

I’m not sure what to make of Southern Illy. As usual, they turn in a spectacular defensive performance at Indiana but looked pretty crappy on the offensive end. They fell apart after Mullins got in foul trouble and Tatum was forced to run the point (by the way - I’m retracting my “close second to Raivio” praise for Mullins from a couple of weeks ago; maybe in a couple of years, but not this season).

However, I think that it might say more about Indiana than it does about the Salukis. As Jay Bilas correctly pointed out - the Salukis see great D in practice every day. So Indiana must really have their stuff together on that end to force 20+ turnovers. There were definitely some bad decisions by SIU, but IU showed me something. If they can show some consistency, I think they’ll end up better than expected in the Big Ten.

I realize that LSU was running away with the game against Oregon State, but I have to wonder if they really want Big Baby shooting 15 and 20-foot jumpers as a standard part of their game plan.

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This one goes out to official RFS Weatherman Mikey “Weather Channel” McGillicuddy.

***NOTE - In order to maintain privacy, all friends of RFS have the same fictional last name.***

Just to give you a little background, here are the important parts of Mikey’s biography:

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- A talented wrestler, Mikey McGillicuddy has been known to outrun trains, leap tall buildings in a single bound, drink an entire carton of Pall Malls, and smoke two quarts of whiskey.

- Yes, you read that last part correctly.

- The name on his birth certificate isn’t Mikey McGillicuddy… it’s Badass Mofo McGillicuddy.

- The doctor and nurses who birthed him are still his indentured servants.

- Shortly before losing his virginity, he announced to his girlfriend that

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“We have a high pressure system moving through the South, resulting in a 50% chance of your mom walking in, a 95% chance of ecstasy… and hailstones the size of Wichita. Wait. Scratch that last part.”
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-In 1994, he defeated Willard Scott in a battle of wits by making Willard’s head explode during a scholarly explanation of osmotic dehydration, surface albedo, and relative humidity.

- He is responsible for over 30% of weather station maintenance in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 60% of weather station drunken maintenance errors in the United States.

- He is responsible for over 90% of weather station electronic malfunctions due to urination in the United States.

- Double all of those statistics if you want to know about his involvement in Central America.

- In order to better serve the community, in 2003 he had his genitalia modified.

- In case you’re curious, he now has a weather vane and two tornado warning sirens “down there”.

- In case you’re more curious, I’ve attached a picture of weather vane.

- The weather vane is not shown to scale.

- Mikey asked me personally to add that last item.

- And in case you’re even MORE curious, the warning sirens sound like the horn on the General Lee (see video below for a clip of what it sounds like when he pees):

- Due to his lack of control over when the sirens go off, he is no longer allowed to (1) volunteer in hospitals, (2) conduct diagnostic sleep exams, or (3) be a porn star.

- The only exception to the above was his role in The F**ks of Hazzard. I can’t go into detail… but stunt chicks were required.
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So - in honor of Mikey’s long-standing service and readership… he is presented with the inaugural RFS Shout-Out Trophy! Congratulations, Mikey!

As a reward, see below for video of the most jacked-up weatherman I’ve ever seen in my life. He was later fired for his drug habit. Gee. I wonder how they figured that out.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU TALKIN’ TO!?!?!?!”

What a coincidence - that’s how I answer my phone!

See the next feature on him for some good footage and ideas for next Halloween:

Merry Christmas, guys! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party!

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For those of you who appreciate college basketball, you’ll appreciate this.

Shaquille O’Neal at LSU. To this day, I remember the great Keith Jackson calling LSU vs. Indiana at Assembly Hall.

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“I still don’t see what all the fuss is about this youngster!”
-Keith Jackson
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At which point, Shaq proceeded to dunk on the entire Indiana team. And by dunk on them, I mean dunk on them to an extent that would make Dikembe Mutombo drop to the floor in seizures. Alley-oops, putbacks… everything. Eric Anderson tried to get Uwe to come out of the stands so they could attempt a chickenfighting defense.

It was at that point that I decided that maybe Keith should stick to football.

Anyway, enjoy the video. If you’re like me, you’ll wonder exactly what was going through some guys’ heads:

“Okay - I’m 5 feet from the bucket, and I’m staring directly at Shaq’s belly button. I think I’m going to float a jumper up there and see if it makes it. If not, at least the kids in the 14th row get a souvenir.”

Some people say that Greg Oden is the most dominant college player since Ewing.

I used to agree with that statement.

However, until Mr. Oden puts together a highlight reel that surpasses what I just posted… give me Shaq (or Ewing) on the all-time squad. Send comments if you feel differently. Until finding this video, I’d forgotten how much coordination Shaq had for his height. I don’t see that out of Oden… yet.

On to the notebook…

RFS Pickstravaganza #3 - Spreads were taken from the only source available (dannysheridan.com), since Vegas.com has clearly heard about RFS.

(2 units) Pitt + 5.5 @ Wisconsin

(4 units) Purdue + 3 @ Butler

(3 units) Iowa State + 4 vs. Bradley

(1 unit) Kentucky + 3.5 @ Louisville

(1 unit) Cincy + 14 @ Ohio State

(4 units) UIC +1 vs. Akron

(4 units) Gonzaga - 1.5 @ Georgia

(5 units) Iowa + 2.5 @ Drake

(3 units) Syracuse - 10.5 vs. Baylor

(2 units) Arizona St + 13 @ Xavier

(5 units) Indiana St + 17 @ Missouri State

(7 units) Northern Iowa +0 @ Loyola Chicago

(3 units) Pacific + 16.5 @ Nevada

(7 units) Creighton + 2.5 @ Fresno State

(3 units) Illinois State + 0 @ Western Michigan

I think Pitt is a little friskier without Aaron Gray than Wiscy expected.

I think Purdue pounds Butler and makes a statement for the in-state recruits.

I think I wish Bradley would pound Iowa State… but their backs are to the wall (they’re 0-3 against the in-state teams, including Drake and Northern Iowa). Never underestimate a team whose backs are to the wall.

I think I hate Kentucky… as usual… but I’ll pick them over Ricky Pee.

I think Cincy will have an opportunity to scare Ohio State since everybody seems to be falling all over themselves to rave about Greg Oden. Dominant center? Yes. The reincarnation of Jesus Christ? No.

UIC rolls it up on the Zips. Mark it down.

‘Zaga is so much better than Georgia, it’s not even funny.

I think I’ve got to be out of my Gott-Damm mind picking the ‘Cuse to cover. But they will. Get the walk-ons some time, Jimmy B.

I think I like Xavier and Drew Lavender, but AZ State is worth 13 points. *Random RFS Side Note* - Xavier has a player named Stanley Burrell. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, read this.

Please, Xavier… Don’t Hurt ‘Em!!! That brings a whole other “crappiness of mainstream rap in the 80s and 90s” topic into play, but I digress.

Write this down now. A 17 point spread in the Valley is RIDICULOUS, even if it is for one of the best teams against one of the worst. Please send me more of these. Maybe Indy State gets rolled, but mark my words - on any given night….

I think Northern Iowa is my RFS Bunker Buster #2. Period. As long as their backcourt gives Stout and Coleman a chance to win the game, they’re a top-25 team.

Fazekas, or not, I think Pacific is ready to show the media darlings of Nevada that 16 points is TOO MUCH. They played a tough Texas A&M team closer than that, I think they can keep it close against Ner-Vada.

I think that Creighton will THROTTLE Fresno State in RFS Bunker Buster #3. Theoretically, I’m limited to one of those per week. However, since theoretically I shouldn’t spend 5 hours per week maintaining a website that exactly 2 people read, I’ll break that rule. Thanks for reading, RFS Official Proofreader. On a serious note, Creighton struggled early, but they’re a ridiculously talented team - look for them to get on a roll heading into conference.

And lastly, I think that Illy State will take care of the Valley against Western Michigan. No way they’re as bad as they looked against E-Ville last week.

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